hodgeblog

{EDITOR'S NOTE: Please note that the following statement from His Excellency the Supreme Ruler of Hodgevania the Hodgebeast is perhaps a shade more serious, political and - in some cases - adult than previous entires. Reader discretion is advised for those who are minors or those tree-hugging, limp-wristed, left-wing, bleeding-heart humanitarian, whale-saving, knee-jerk, pacifistic, Commie, beatnik, long-haired, pinko hippies out there.

Please also be advised that some of the points made are actually quite serious - others are not. Determine which at your lesuire - I might be dumb enough to spend my time writing a blog about a small Hodgebeast, but I'm not dumb enough to put my own precise political views on a blog. All you know is what I put in the mouth of a cuddly toy}

Hello. I am the Hodgebeast. I have prickles.

Much inspired by Barrack Obama and Hilary Clinton and their singular lack of talent and astounding political success, I have decided to run for President of the United States of America in the 2008 elections. I shall be standing on a platform as I am only very small, and will otherwise be unable to see the podium.

So far, I have isolated the following issues as being important and significant to the electorate of the United States;

i) Taxation
ii) Defence
iii) Immigration and integration
iv) Crime and violence
v) Separation of Church and State
vi) Representation
vii) Abortion
viii) The environment

I will deal with the main thrust of my campaign on each of these issues, and invite questions via the electronic mail.

TAXATION

Many Americans today are convinced they are paying too much tax. My first point would be that, if you are convinced of this, do something about it, you fat-ass! Get off your wiener-stuffed behind and check with your accountant or something. Don't just sit there like a great stuffed baboon, you twit.

If, however, you think that the tax burden which is legitimately enforced by the bean-counters in Washington is too high, then my policies may appeal to you. And if they don't, I really don't care. I'll get the popular vote and electoral college vote with my simple tax policy and your names will be tallied for statistical purposes.

Anyway, my new tax system is very simple. Only idiots will have to pay taxes of any sort. Thus, you will be able to determine if you would - under my new system - pay any taxes. Obviously assuming you can tell if you are idiot or not.

DEFENCE

Many people today are concerned by a number of problems facing the world - one of the most significant is the destabilization of resource-rich areas because of regimes who do not agree precisely with us. Another is the dangerous stock piling of arms by people other than us. Another is annoying hippy types protesting our stock piling of arms, forgetting that their rights to not wash, wear beads and sing bad songs on sitars is bought with those same arsenals.

I, the Hodgebeast, have a radical suggestion which will solve all of these problems.

Firstly, we allow the annoying hippy types to chain themselves to the missles. They do this a lot anyway, and this will be very simple to engineer. Lucrative contracts will be offered to chain manufacturers shortly after this administration takes control of the executive.

Secondly, we will fire all our missles at the areas of the world where there are stockpiles of dangerous weapons of mass destruction and where they are destabilising regimes. This will achieve the following things;

i) Reduction of our arsenal which will keep the Commie beakniks happy
ii) Reduction of other arsenals, which will keep the peace
iii) Reduction of the populations in the resource-rich areas which are now unstable. Places are only unstable when there are people there - look at the Antarctic. Three people and about a billion penguins. As politically stable as you like.
iv) Removal of the annoying hippy types and their stupid unwashed idiocy.

I think we can all agree that point iv) is one which would make the entire thing worthwhile.

IMMIGRATION AND INTEGRATION

Many people in government and private individuals are concerned with this issue. Frankly, I don't give a hang what you think if you are a private individual - you are clearly less than scum. However, I need to pretend this sort of thing in order to get elected. So, here goes.

I wish to stand on the shoulders of giants - as I am very small. I think that a successful adoption of previous suggested policies needs to be implimented, in an integrated whole.

So, firstly I shall initiate a guest worker program. These individuals will be allowed to come into the United States to work on government funded building programs. Californian farmers who want to harvest lettuce can just hire bloody legal workers. I don't see why we should have a special case for people who live in a sunshine state where every woman is a model and had breasts larger than her head and whose entire wardrobe consists of bikinis you can hide in a nutshell. This is not a bad place to live, people - suck it up and pay some damn insurance, you scrounging mongrels.

(Yes, this will lead to a rise in the price of lettuce - to that I say, why the hell are you eating lettuce anyway? What are you, rabbits? How much lettuce do you really need?)

These government projects will be to build a vast wall on all our borders. On the top of the walls will be included solar panels and wind turbines (see ENVIRONMENT below).

Some may regard this as the immigrants making a rod for their own back. And they might be right. If people want to come to this country, they can fill out the forms. I really fail to see why we need to discuss how to be nice to criminals.

(Bear in mind that, under DEFENCE, we will have already got rid of all the hippies, and so there may be less objection to this plan than people think.)

Integration is a very complex issue, and one which is sensitive to a lot of people. To that, I say, get your heads out of your asses, people! It's not hard at all - we have a constitution which is pretty clear in the broad scheme of things. If you want to be integrated into America, you need to subscribe to that as at least the form of government you are willing to live under and against which you will not plot. Obviously, this includes the right to protest, but not to be an ass.

If you cannot agree to live like an American, why are you coming to America? Huh? That's really a no brainer, isn't it?

Be Moslem, be Jewish, be Christian. Be black, white, green or pink. I don't care. Just accept the constitution and we can all get along. Consider the consitution to be something that can be changed by a method outside of the constitution itself and you are not only unwelcome but a damn fool. That is not how politics works people - I know that and I'm just a stuffed Hodgebeast the size of a small potato.

CRIME AND VIOLENCE

Many in America are concerned about the level of violent and other crime in the USA, and also of the number of prisoners in our jails and the cost of keeping them there. People are also, on an unrelated note, concerned by obesity and rising illiteracy. I have a radical plan which addresses all these issues.

All crimes will become capital crimes. Period. No arguments. While many may refer to this as "Draconian", I invite such ahistorical idiots to actually research the Athenian lawgiver. He didn't go nearly far enough.

If you don't like this idea, don't commit a crime. Radical notion, I know.

People may argue that the death penalty is not an effective deterent. I submit that most crime is committed by repeat offenders. My policy will remove these people from society.

(For those individuals who are still opposed to the idea of capital punishment, they will be allowed to relocate to the newly named "Hippyland" which will be the current New England. Yes, we realize that we are giving you the only area in the country where you can get the first crop to fail through sheer unremitting failure to understand agriculture. See this? This is me not caring. I am a Hodgebeast, people, not a flippin' social worker.)

With all the empty jails, filled with exercise yards, gyms and libraries, and the money saved from not having to keep prisoners, we shall begin a comprehensive plan of education and exercise for the disadavtaged in society (for "disadvantaged", read "those who are not members of Hodgebeast's New Ruling Class (HBNRC)".

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE

I do not actually consider this to be a serious issue - once my policy is insituted we will be able to have a rational discussion on the matter and everything will become clear.

The new policy will be as follows;

Anyone who quotes the words "separation of Church and State" or alludes to the modern concept of same will be immediately required to demonstrate that they understand the original genesis of those words, what the Founding Fathers meant by them, and chart the history of the twisiting of those words into modern liberal claptrap. Failure to do so will result in deportation and / or a permanent revocation of all speaking priviledges.

Seriously, people. If you are going to use a phrase and try to make it mean something it doesn't, don't choose a phrase whose origin is clear and simple. I might only be a stuffed cuddly thing who can't even reach the shelves of the library, but even I can find this out by humping the mouse and using the Internet.

REPRESENTATION

Many are concerned that individuals are using their vote unwisely, or that the vote is given to those who do not consider the issues. I fully agree, and would institute the following policy;

Being an idiot leads to immediate disenfrancisement.

Therefore, you would be able to tell if you would vote under the new system. So, if think you are not an idiot, vote for me!!

ABORTION

This polarises America today, and quite frankly I find the entire thing simply incomprehensible. Yes, I am personally opposed to abortion. I also support a woman's right to choose.

In much the same way as I am personally opposed to murder, but also support a person's right to choose. That does not mean I respect all choices with the same degree of acceptance, however.

I am at a loss to understand this, and bear in mind that I am one of the wisest creatures in the world, possessed of vast amounts of wis. Wisdom positively oozes from me, actually. In fact, you are probably growing wiser simply by reading this. When I go on campaign and you are able to get near me, and possibly even touch my fat little prickly body, your IQ will increase exponentially.

Still, this I do not understand. We make laws to protect the most vulnerable and spend thousands of dollars on saving premature and ill babies. We react with shock and horror when a child is kidnapped or killed, and with unremitting grief when one is killed in a tragic accident. We hold vigils for them.

For couples who cannot have children, we spend millions per year on fertility treatments. For those who wish to adopt, there are waiting lists years long.

How does this chime with the policy of killing children before they are born? How come a child who is premature and successfuly delivered has a right to life and has exorbitant fees spent on saving him, yet another who is at the same stage of development is a clump of tissue?

Hey, I am a clump of tissue. I am a Hodgebeast, made of fur fabric, felt, stuffing and those funny little wooly eyes. I am very cute, but not the first person you would think of to get this issue.

How come I see the inherent stupidity in this issue and you lot don't?

Here is a suggestion for all of those who "respect a woman's right to choose". Respect the right to stop doing the things that lead to children. I would write something a little more graphic, but I know that children read my blog sometimes. But you all know what I mean.

Don't want kids? Don't put yourself in a position to have them! Radical concept, huh?

(This campaign will be called the Keep Your Knees Together Campaign)

How come this country has to be told this by a small stuffed Hodgebeast with a Napoleon-complex?

THE ENVIRONMENT

I, as a Hodgebeast, am most concerned by the degration of the environment. Why, if the global ecosystem fails, where will we get fine coffee and vanilla pastries from? Then again, if California vanishes in a sandbowl, there won't be any more lettuce and the immigration problem might halve overnight.

Swings and roundabouts, people.

Anyway, I intend to address a number of issues under the heading of environment. Here is the crux of the argument.

You can divide the world into two groups of people - those who have some inkling of what the world is actually like, and liberals. Liberals are convinced that everyone else is out to get them., And, you know what, you pinko? We are.

However, not in exactly the way they think. The rest of the world, for example, is not hell-bent on destroying the planet as fast as possible. That is just the inevitable consequence of the energy crisis at the moment.

Okay, so - environment. Here are the two ways I am going to present this. If you are a liberal, read the first paragraph after this one. If you are not, read the second. Regardless of your IQ, rejoin me at the third.

I, Hodgebeast, plan to phase out fossil fuels as much as possible and reduce our carbon emissions as much as practically possible. Think of the llamas!

Look, let's be honest here. Do you like paying over the odds for gasoline, the profit for which goes straight to brutal regimes who want to crush you and everything you stand for? Do you really want to buy expensive cars that guzzle gas, or would you rather have a cheaper option which was fueled by something we produce in the US? If you could cut your energy bills by half by sticking a windmill and some solar panels on your roof, would you? Hell, I know you - you'd stick them on your head if you thought it would save you a buck. What you want is to be able to drive a nice car, have cold beer and steaks on the electric grill while you watch your plasma screen TV and be able to aircon your office so that cute secretary risks putting your eyes out. You don't give a hang how we fuel that - so let's invest a bit of time and money in stopping supporting places where the oil is. You know where the oil is, right? Iraq, Iran and Venuzella. These people are not nice people, folks. We hand $200 billion a year to Hugo Chavez - his best trait is that he is not Fidel Castro. This is not a wise thing, people. And, while we are at it, do we really want to be handing money to the Chinese, Japanese and Koreans for foreign cars? Thought not - why do we buy them? Because they use less gas. Create a system where gas is cheaper or there is an alternate fuel source and people will buy American again. Why? Because you are American for God's sake and your nationalism borders on jingoism. Also, you want to drive a car that compensates for something. Hey, I don't need to - sex isn't such an important issue for me. I make love to other Hodgebeasts. How do we do it, you ask? Answer - very carefully.

As we can see, both sides of the political divide can agree that we need to break the cycle of oil addiction.

I shall close my initial statement by answering a number of questions which I have already been asked. If you have others, please ask them and I shall answer them;

Which side of the political spectrum would you describe yourself as?

I am a Hodgebeast and - as you can see if you study my photograph - I have two sides. One is all prickly and sharp and the other is smooth and soft and nice. In this manner, I hope to be able to act in a bipartisan manner, reflecting all aspects of the political arena. If that doesn't work, I can be used to clean stubborn stains from the base of saucepans and polish them to a mirror sheen.

Do you not feel that having a platform that depends on only eight points is a little simple?

Given the fact that my only rival so far is a woman whose sole point is that she is not George W Bush and she's done the job the before, I think I'm streets ahead.

Isn't your position rather on abortion rather extreme. Are aware of the fact that there are many reactionaries on your side?

Yes, I am. One of them is called Almighty God. Next question, you baby-killing moron? Why is the only creature defending your unborn a Hodgebeast? My kids are fine - yours just vanished down a vacuum-cleaner hoze like spilled macaronni.

Just to confirm, you said that only idiots would pay tax and that they would not be allowed to vote. So, I would pay no tax under your system as I am not an idiot, right?

You just spent half an hour reading a manifesto by a stuffed toy slightly to the right of Ronald "Rawhide" Reagan - you do the math.